Ladies and gentleman, if you have been following the events of my prostate odyssey over the last few months, we have reached the finale. Tuesday afternoon found me in a chair sans clothes from the waist down and wondering just how this thing was going to go. Doctor L's nurse, H, R.N., was going to perform the first part of the exam which was called urodynamics. This test is designed to find out the pressure of my bladder and the rest of the plumbing while under stress.
First off, I urinated into a funnel which measured the flow of my urine stream. Then Nurse "H" inserted a urinary catheter and instilled saline filling my bladder and drained same, then measured the saline left in my bladder after drainage. Now the real fun begins and I caution you as I always do that as a nurse this procedure is just part of the day to day business of medical practice. So, I will explain in a matter of fact manner and pull no punches. Having said that, let's get to it. Nurse H inserted a wire into my bladder yes, a wire which was attached to a laptop. Additionally, a second wire was inserted rectally yes, that's what I said, and it was also attached to the laptop. Again, saline was instilled into my bladder and I was asked to indicate when I could feel the saline initially going into my bladder and when I could no longer hold the pressure and needed to relieve my bladder. This basically is what the urodynamics is all about. My pressure indicated to nurse H that I was the proud owner of a possible enlargement. We both suspected the usual elephant in the room, a prostate gland the size of Kelly's Island.
Part two: Cystoscopy, a lighted camera inserted into my bladder much like a colonoscopy. Nurse H, being a great nurse and a patient advocate, was nice enough to insert a hefty amount of Lidocaine to numb my urethra prior to the insertion of the scope. Now, the garden hose is inserted and I and my wife get to watch on television the inner workings of my urinary tract. First on the itinerary was my urethra which was not what I thought by any means. It looked white with red streaks - very photogenic. Then we approached the dreaded prostate gland. Swollen, enlarged, it had the look of two bulldogs in a burlap bag. Passing through the opening was somewhat painful and once through we were in bladder land. Again, not what I expected, It had varicose veins making me wonder if my bladder had been on its feet for years and didn't tell me. So at this point the doctor decides he would like to turn the scope around and look at my prostate. OMG, LORD, HOLY CRAP! That got my attention! We now are looking at the catheter coming through my prostate opening. The prostate looked like two loaves of unleavened bread. Nearing the end of our tour we begin to exit the real estate with a stop to take an extended look at the prostate protruding into my bladder, which it should not do. This is again because of its size and its agenda to take over the world. We exit and head for the post procedure consultation. I need two more drugs added to my repertoire, one to shrink the prostate and cut off its plans to take over the world and a second drug to relax my bladder. It seems my bladder may be somewhat in need of a vacation. Now overall the procedure was tolerable and the actual pain was minimal, it was more discomfort. The staff was great and anyone who may be facing this I will tell you to find a doctor and staff who have a sense of humor. Decidedly, this is a serious procedure however, laughter makes it go much better.